Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.Johnson: Montreal!
“Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!
“Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!
Johnson, without missing a beat replies, “No kidding! What position does she play?”
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don’t jog… it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”
“Yes, I am,” said the officer.
“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”
The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”
Gore: My God, it was terrible!
Aide: What?
Gore: This nightmare I had–I dreamed I was running against Dan Quayle.
Aide: What’s so terrible about that? Seems to me it’d be a slam dunk for you.
Gore: You don’t understand. I was in this debate–and the first thing they ask ed was, “Which of you is Al and which of you is Dan?”
Bill goes down to visit Chelsea at Stanford and to meet her new boyfriend.
Her boyfriend goes up to Bill and says, “Mr. President it’s so great to meet you. You know… you’re my idol, my role model.”
Bill replies, “Hey man, that’s it! I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore!”
An attractive woman was leaving the White House after completing an appointment. She walked the length of the hall to the elevator, where she pressed the button.When the elevator arrived, the doors opened revealing President Clinton standing inside next to the row of floor buttons. He smiled, looked at the woman, and said, “Are you going down?”
The woman replied, ” No, I don’t work here.”
Scenario: International Summit in Paris.
Those attending: Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President)
The waiter asked, ” Le apperitive?”
All of them answered, “Oui!”
The waiter looked at Zedillo, “Le tequila?”
Zedillo: “Oui!”
The waiter looked at Yeltsin, “Le vodka?”
Yeltsin: “Oui!”
Finally, the waiter looked at Clinton, “Le whisky?”
Clinton: “Don’t you dare mention that bitch!”
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
