Work vs. Prison

Posted on October 12, 2011 by admin

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can’t even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!

 

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You have to move to Montreal

Posted on October 12, 2011 by admin

Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.Johnson: Montreal!

“Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!

“Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!

Johnson, without missing a beat replies, “No kidding! What position does she play?”

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Fitness Philosophy

Posted on October 11, 2011 by admin

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now & we don’t know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don’t jog… it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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All-night Duty Joke – Funny Cops / Police Jokes

Posted on October 11, 2011 by admin

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”

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Two Tigers Joke

Posted on October 11, 2011 by admin

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!”

The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!”

The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”

The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”

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Professionals to be sent to Mars

Posted on October 11, 2011 by admin

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

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I’m much too young to die!

Posted on October 11, 2011 by admin

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!

“St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that there is no mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and according to that, you’re at least 108 years old!”

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Al Gore’s Nightmare

Posted on October 7, 2011 by admin

Gore: My God, it was terrible!

Aide: What?

Gore: This nightmare I had–I dreamed I was running against Dan Quayle.

Aide: What’s so terrible about that? Seems to me it’d be a slam dunk for you.

Gore: You don’t understand. I was in this debate–and the first thing they ask ed was, “Which of you is Al and which of you is Dan?”

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You are my Role Model

Posted on October 7, 2011 by admin

Bill goes down to visit Chelsea at Stanford and to meet her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend goes up to Bill and says, “Mr. President it’s so great to meet you. You know… you’re my idol, my role model.”

Bill replies, “Hey man, that’s it! I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore!”

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Are You Going Down Joke – Funny President and Political Jokes

Posted on October 7, 2011 by admin

An attractive woman was leaving the White House after completing an appointment. She walked the length of the hall to the elevator, where she pressed the button.When the elevator arrived, the doors opened revealing President Clinton standing inside next to the row of floor buttons. He smiled, looked at the woman, and said, “Are you going down?”

The woman replied, ” No, I don’t work here.”

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