Scenario: International Summit in Paris.
Those attending: Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President)
The waiter asked, ” Le apperitive?”
All of them answered, “Oui!”
The waiter looked at Zedillo, “Le tequila?”
Zedillo: “Oui!”
The waiter looked at Yeltsin, “Le vodka?”
Yeltsin: “Oui!”
Finally, the waiter looked at Clinton, “Le whisky?”
Clinton: “Don’t you dare mention that bitch!”
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For years and years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says “since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one.”
The brunette goes first, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life– I just want to go home” … POOF she is gone.
The the red head makes her wish “This place sucks, I want to go home too” … POOF she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her “My dear what is the matter, “I wish my friends were here” … POOF!!
The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.
He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz… down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”
The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, “I’m a Lark and I’ve been sparked”
The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.
The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says “I’m a Drake and there’s been a mistake!”
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer. The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?” The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What else?” The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.” The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
A bear and a squirrel are walking through their forest community and they stumble upon a magic lamp under the dirt.
Now this magic lamp has been covered in dirt for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, he would grant EACH of them three wishes. So he asked who wanted to go first.
Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.
“What do you want for your first wish”? He asked.
Bear replied, i wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.
BOOM. it was done.
Sqirrel’s wish was for a helmet.
“A helmet”! Said Bear?!?! “You can get anything and you want a helmet?”
Bear’s next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.
BOOM it was done
Squirrel’s second wish was a motercycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.
“Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me” said Bear.
The lamp granted the wish and…
BOOM. it was done
It was Squirrel’s final wish,
“What would you like me to grant you for your final wish” the lamp asked.
After much consideration, Squirrel finaly answered.
“I wish Bear was gay”
And with that, he rode off.
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
“The effects are fleeting and lingering…” – Overheard in a hallway
“In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.” – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
“A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.” – Announcer on KZOK radio
“He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that’s a mouthful!” – CBS baseball announcer
“An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement.” – Irish Politician on RTE radio
“This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation.” – BBC world service.
“We have two incredibly credible witnesses here.” – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
“He’s going to step down ’til he’s back on his feet.” – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart’s latest sex scandal
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”
